Laugh of the day

I'm From Texas

 

Songs like this remind me of senior year in HS, riding 5 deep in my Kia Spctra swangin' around the Connally parking like I had a slab. lmao...good times

Mixtape of the Week

Stranger with years of memories

After a step away things are beginning to come in to focus.

After the break up I took it hard for  a little bit, longer than I expected. It got to the point that I started to worry about myself because these feelings wouldn't go away. I felt like a physical aching for her, I could literally feel it. I had already missed the hell out of her before while we were trying to do the long distance thing until she came back. This went on until one day it crossed my mind, "That girl ain't worried about you. She's living her life happily without you and you need to do the same." On that day I went from a hurt ex-boyfriend to a single man.

I think there are few reasons my feelings lasted so long. I was once browsing on the Internet and came across some random study on love and it said that during break ups people suffer symptoms close to a drug withdrawal. Now of course a break up pales in comparison to a drug addiction. But that made me think "Were we 'addicted' to one another"? She's told me plenty of times that she was addicted to me, and I never completely understood that thought process until recently. In a relationship you can become somewhat "addicted" to not just that them physically, but more so the other things about them, i.e. their hopes, their aspirations, they way they talk, their laugh, they way they sleep, y'alls inside jokes, the familiarity and comfort of their touch, etc. The minute details of them is what you fall for, at least I did. All of that is what made it hard.

Another reason it was hard to deal with is because I knew this was truly the end. The circumstances surrounding this break up are entirely different than before. We're not in school anymore, we're not a couple buildings down from each other, we wont see each other on campus everyday. There's no shot at reconciliation strictly on our magnetism to each other. That wont happen this time because at the closest we're an hour away from each other and would never cross paths because we don't run in the same circles. At this point is where our adult lives are going start, hand-in-hand or not at all. I knew all of that going into it. This was our last shot. It was do or die...and it died.

With all of that being said, time and distractions make those feelings fade somewhat. Truly playing the field with women has been "different". I'm learning that ALL women are little "off" lol. The way women think continues to astound me. It's been fun but a little crazy. Before I never did play the field 'cause I was faithful and other women were the last thing on my mind. But now that I'm free from that restriction, I'm remembering how much women are attracted to me. Chicks dig my charming goofiness.  Knowing her and how she is, she's definitely playing the field too lmao!


Even though my feelings, hurt and betrayal are fading, that love will NEVER go away. I wish it could. There's nothing I can do about it. I just accept it. There are still a couple things that happened and were said that still don't sit too well with me. I've been told that I should have a conversation with her to get my feelings off my chest and gets some closure about certain things. I know talking to her one last time is probably what I need but something I don't really want. Like what are we gonna talk about, really? "Oh hey, how's your life been since I'm not in it anymore?" I just don't see how that would benefit me and besides, she not trying to speak to me anyway. I figure, it would benefit both parties if we just leave things where they are.

I say that because, even though we've had years of good times together, its something about our personalities that bring out the worst in each other for reasons I still cant comprehend. It was just too much battling for me. All relationships have occasional conflict but I feel like I shouldn't have to battle with the person I love on an almost daily basis. Her companionship should be what I anticipate. I want my future household to be peaceful and nurturing.  I've seen other relationships when dudes don't want to come home from work and that possibility petrifies me.

If she tried to make a reappearance in my life I really don't know how I'd react to it. I would probably question her motives from the jump. It's a wall of distrust that would have to broken down in order for us to even be on consistent speaking terms. I doubt that that effort would even be made anyway. I don't mean distrust in a "she-cheated-on-me" kind of way but rather emotionally. I say that because  I've been at my most vulnerable in front of her, she knows my deepest fears, my odd sense of humor, what makes me cringe, what, makes me laugh, etc. She knows me in a way no other physical person does. I don't know if I have the heart to open myself to her like that again.

I feel like God seriously intervened in this situation though. We broke up literally about 24 hours before I was going to propose. I had it planned out, I was gonna get the blessing from her parents that day and do it in front of my family in Austin. If that ain't God intervening I don't know what is. Had I actually proposed she probably would've said yes at that time, but after looking back it, after going back to Minnesota she probably would've still had the same worries from before about me/us. The break up would've been delayed months, maybe even years and the fall out from a break up of that magnitude would've just been out of hand.

As weak as it sounds, I'm still in love with her and I love her with every fiber of my being. The type of love I have never goes away, but it's time to let her go...

This situation has made grow closer to God and my family, but those relationships were already getting closer before it happened. I know He has a plan for me, I have no earthly idea what it is or when it starts but apparently this is a part of it. To Him, her in my life would somehow deter me from doing what I'm meant to do otherwise she'd still be in the picture. Thing wont always be easy but nothing worth something is. If anything this situation make me realized how blessed I am. If the only thing I have to complain about is a breakup then I got it SUPER easy. I'm in a really comfortable situation, actually. Of course, I'll be leaving as soon as I find a legitimate job and I'm financially able to stand on my own. By that time I'll be on my journey to where God wants me to be.

After watching the dust settle, I'm realizing it's time to move on with my life. Everybody takes some L's in life, it's all about how you react to it. Do you let it destroy you or shake it off and learn from it???

“How Your Boyfriend Really Acts”...Too True lmao

 

 

 

You should never hang out “with the boys”. That’s because no matter how close you are to your man, you will not get the version of him that his boys get and you probably don’t want to! Check out “how your boyfriend really acts”.

Random Quote

“Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It’s not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it’s when you’ve had everything to do, and you’ve done it.” -  Margaret Thatcher

What if money was no object?

Wow this video speaks to me on so many levels. Right now I'm at crossroads with my career and what I want to do. I'm presented with the option of pursuing what  want to do in my field, but most likely remaining broke/not-very-financially-stable in the process OR pursuing a job in another field and benefiting very much fiscally. I really don't know what to do as far as that's concerned. Is this what's meant for me? I pray about it but I can't help but worry sometimes. It's gotten easier to handle my situation for the time being as far as being at home and working a part-time job while looking for something bigger. After further reflection, I really have nothing to complain about by being home for the moment. Bills aren't really an issue, most of my closest friends are a few minutes away, and I get to save money! With all that what makes me anxious is the transition out of that. I've always had a hunger to get out in the world on my own two feet and see what what kind of man I'm capable of becoming. I just don't want that transition to be a financial struggle because I've ALWAYS been broke, especially in college, and I'm tired of it.

New Music: Wale – “Arrival”

 

Rick Ross recently announced an upcoming mixtape and now, Wale drops a new track, “Arrival”. Maybach Music Group truly does not stop!


 

Miguel Sings “Adorn” Live

 

 

In news about songs that make you want to touch yourself, Miguel recently sang probably everyone’s favorite song right now, “Adorn” for Power 106 FM. Kaleidoscope Dream set to release 10/2.

Do I hate love???

So this chick I've been talking to lately mentioned  to me that I make relationships sound so bad by certain things that I say to her and via social media. Intrigued by this statement, I asked several of my closest friends if I did and received a resounding yes in response. I honestly didn't know I came off that way. It's not like I've been going off on some "I hate women" rants or something of that nature. I simply voice my opinions about marriage and relationships in a matter-fact-way which is what I'll do now.

I feel as marriage and love in our generation is somewhat meaningless. Consumating your love through God isn't meaningless at all but the people attempting to do so are not as committed. The days of people having these life-long romantic bonds are through. The crazy thing about it is that my parents have been happily married for the past 27 years. I can look at them and tell that they're still in love after all this time. At one point in time I did want that, but I've realized that the old school "we'll weather any storm together" type of marriages were lost with my parents generation. I say this because I look around at my peers and see nothing but chaos, myself included. It's not like crying my eyes while I'm typing this or I'm angry or bitter, it's just my honest opinion. I'd be a fool to say true love doesn't exist at all anymore but I'd also be fool to put faith into that notion.

"Coming From Where I'm From"

On the heels of the popular musician, Frank Ocean, sharing a letter opening up about his sexuality, the Twittersphere has been poppin' with commentary. Some in support. Some not. And naturally, seeing as though much of the homophobic tension seems to stem from the church, "religion" has been under scrutiny. So, here's my 2 cents on that...not necessarily about Frank's admission in particular...but everything...




Many Black Christians grow up in very Christ-centered, churchgoing families, from the very beginning. Many of you got saved and knew you were going to heaven around 10? 11? That's remarkable. Not to diminish or belittle anyone's conversion experience, but that is the best/easiest/painless way to Christ(ianity) possible. (Granted, assuming that Christianity is true and/or that, once intellectually capable, you examine objections to your faith and discover whether or not what you were taught is True.) Ultimately, the point I'm trying to make is that many (southern, Bible-belt) Black Christians are fortunate enough to never be on the OUTSIDE (of the church an the faith) looking in.



I, on the other hand, did not grow up "in church every Sunday". I've been on the outside looking in with gross skepticism and on the receiving end of alienation. I've heard people make spectacle/fun of those (people like me) people who couldn't quote scripture or sing some songs from memory (as if that is a sign of superior spirituality). I've seen Christians call the church "a hospital for sinners" yet judge people (visitors and newcomers) for their attire (as if sinners should appear saved from a earthly, human standard before they even get saved from a Godly, spiritual standard) and I've sat in a pew, as someone who was fresh in my faith, and heard a sermon preached on how "come as you are" is false because "God once damned someone to hell for their appearance". I've visited churches, as someone who believed in "God" but had not yet given my life to Christ, and seen $10, $20, $100 tithing lines where it appeared as though God's love or our salvation could be earned by what we did/gave. I've seen people cry at the pulpit, speak in tongues, and run up and down the aisles, yet regress back to their old ways the minute they exit the church doors, as if everything they'd done prior was for show. Yo, I stood scared and confused at a church-ran basketball tournament and had a woman tell us, a group of ~9-14 year olds that "if you don't give your life to Christ, you're going to Hell" without ANY prior mention of His unmerited, unlimited LOVE, GRACE, and MERCY.



It wasn't until I got into high school that I started to go to church again and gave my life to Christ because, despite all the negative images of religion and Christianity I had experienced, I still somehow felt a PERSONAL, UNPRESSURED, spiritual voice in my head asking me to open myself up to something that would change my life. By the grace of God, I submitted to it--NOT my WILL, because I had little to NO reasons to become a Christian after all I had seen from church people (save for the few positive examples of people I was really close to). And, it wasn't until I got to college and went to a church spilling over with grace, where nothing was added to or taken from the Bible, that I began to really learn about Christ--who He was, what is sin, what merits salvation, what my purpose in life is, etc..



Just from my personal experience, I think it's hard for Christians who NEVER grew up on the outside looking in to understand why people have so many doubts and reservations about religion and spirituality as a whole. Christians don't have to compromise "one jot or one tittle" of the Bible or allow the world system to penetrate and skew the gospel, but y'all, WE, owe it to people to empathize and not act like the church is without flaw and not act like we don't have THE BEST POSSIBLE EXAMPLE of LOVE and sacrifice (Christ dying for us) despite our selfish, blind ways. We ought not act like such a RADICAL thing such as faith, should be easy to submit to and EASY to understand for people who come from many different, some unimaginable backgrounds. And above all, we should not act like whether we've been in church all our lives or never a day in our lives, that we're not ALL, EQUALLY in desperate need of God's grace and mercy. He loves us all the same regardless of where we are in our lives. We owe it to people to SHOW them we love them, first.

2 days, 2 different feelings

I really did write this on 2 different days. Its 2 entirely different opinions

Original Post

There was a point where we were trying to hold onto a relationship that was finished. There are times when it doesn't bother me, and there are times when it bothers me a lot. There were times when I was thinking, ‘Damn. I had this shit all planned out, and now I’ve failed’. That was hard on me, because I don’t like to fail at anything. Accepting that I failed at this relationship messed me up. You ask yourself, ‘How could that person be so cold’? And I’m sure she felt the same way about me. It was ugly.


Final Resignation
That anger thing has changed into something that I don't even know what to call. I feel like she never was able to just kick back, relax and have fun with me and enjoy our relationship, unless she was drinking. A relationship is something you should enjoy for the most part rather than constantly stress about...I stressed about things too, but I 've never met anyone that was so tightly wound up about everything.  When I come to this conclusion my anger begins to fade, because I didn't matter if I was the perfect guy, there would've been someone perceived negative about my personality or our relationship.

 All jokes aside, there were issues that have to be worked out.. I do think that there is a part of her deep down in there that loves me, but that part has always fought with this angry, insecure part of her. Its damn near resembles 2 different personalities all together. And I'm not even saying this be funny, or sarcastic or whatever. You can legitimately shorten your life by being that way. Our bodies don't deal with stress well and for as long as I've known her she was stressed  about a lot. Its normal to stress about the issues people our age are going through right now (i.e. financial independence, career decisions, family issues, etc.), I stress about some of those things too, but there was hopelessness vibe that I got when she would talk about it, like her problems would never end. I'll be honest, I get like that every now and then also.

I'm still hurt about a lot of stuff and I miss her and everything about her everyday, who wouldn't, this was the woman I planned on spending the rest of my life with. But now I just look at it as I fell in love with someone who wasn't able to love me unconditionally. I also think she lost herself a bit when she left Texas. Away from your support system, your boyfriend, and with no real friends to count on up there anybody would've had a hard time dealing with that. That isolation just further exacerbated her personal issues and insecurities. When it got to the point of her being annoyed by something as small as me reading the news every day and getting excited about some new phone app or something and wanting to tell her about it, it became discouraging to communicate to her. And I wont sit up here and act like it was all her because I've made plenty of mistakes and have my own issues. I did everything I could, even told her about her my plans to propose when she came back. I'll never look back on that relationship and think about what I could've done because I did everything in my power. I even told her many a time, "I'm willing to go through hell or high water with you as long as your willing to the same. As much as we've gone through, we can make it through anything. Whatever we gotta do to make this relationship work, I'm willing to do it." I feel bad for both of us honestly, we're deprived a good thing, on our biggest supporter, our best friend, our confidant, etc. Maybe she'll see that one day done the road. Now I can't do anything but love her from a distance, hope for the best for her in life and hope she becomes the great woman and person I know she's capable of becoming.

I thought we was talkin' 'bout haircuts?...

I don't know why He keeps blessing me

Anxiety of an unemployed college grad...

I'll be frank, my post college life has not been what I expected. I'm beginning to become frustrated because I need a job or internship asap, so I can get out of my parents house. I love my parents but now I need my own space. I've had my own apartment in college for the last 4 years and moving back home is trying. As a 23 year old college graduate I need to go on my own and see what I'm made of and stand on my own 2 feet. I appreciate my parents for everything they do but I NEED my independence. Also I need a job to kick start my career; I didn't for to school for 4.5 years just to apply for mediocre ass jobs that I could've gotten with just a high school diploma.

I just have the urge to get out of Austin, I want to meet new people, see new things, eat different foods, admire other cultures. I love being from here but I feel like if I want to chase my dreams I need to leave. I feel stagnant here.  I just feel like there are no avenues for success here with the career path that I want to take.

I don't know my purpose right now.

 Lately, I don't have a physical person to confide that understands how I feel. Few people around me have taken my path (i.e. college). 90% of them got a job straight out of high school and have been working and saving. Right now, I have no physical person to confide in who truly understands how I feel and empathizes with me I talk to God, but sometimes I don't know what he wants me to do. I wish it was as easy as God calling me on the phone and being like "Bro, you need to be patient, I got something coming up for you"...if something like that were possible I wouldn't have any complaints. I just don't know what my purpose is and I'm starting to feel like my degree was worthless because every job I want request experience over education. But the thing is I need to get hired to get experience though. I'm just being impatient, I'm ready to start this exciting and fulfilling life that I want but I'm just at a standstill right now and I'm SO anxious to get out of it.

Jeremiah. 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...

What the shit...ANT BITES?!?

Sooo me, Bree, Nigel, Nic and Sileaha hit the pool on Saturday. As soon as we get I put my stuff (i.e. shoes, phone, shirt, etc) on the pool chair. As I'm standing there, my feet begin to tingle. I look down and what looked like an entire ant colony covering my feet! I did like any regular person would and swatted them shits and went in the water to get the rest off them off. Not that easy...

I didn't think anything of because I been bitten by ants before and nothing happened. I was cool for the next 15 minutes, all of a sudden I felt the urge to cough. I still wasn't worried about it. Then, out of the blue, I feel my face get hot and swollen. Not knowing what I looked I immediately got out of the pool and went to Nic's house to check my face out. I look in the mirror and I damn near look like fuckin' Craig Mack!!!

I'm talking nose swollen, lip, eyes, basically everything on my face. I popped 2 Benedryl immediately. That's when I start to have a mini panic attack. You gotta understand, my immune system has always been A1, I RARELY get sick, I've never broken a broken, anything. By this time Nigel is driving me back to my house, I can barely breathe, my eyes are swollen shut, I'm itching like crazy. I'm praying to God like "Please don't me die" lol. I get home and all I can do is sit an wait for the Benedryl to take over. That was THE LONGEST 3 hours of my life. 

Everybody that was at the pool came to house. Obviously, I was going through some physical stuff but I was still watching how Bree was acting, considering the circumstances. Now, if she would've dipped out and went home while I was going through this, it would've been a wrap for her. But she stayed though, that's important because most of the other chicks that I've "talked" to before wouldn't have. So she got some points on that one. We'll see how that goes.

After looking up the symptoms, I found out I had an anaphalactic allergic reaction which means the minute amount of venom from the ant bites caused by the release of mediators from certain types of white blood cells triggered either by immunologic or non-immunologic mechanisms. Symptoms typically include generalized hives, itchiness, flushing or swelling of the lips.  Other features may include a runny nose and swelling of the eyelids. After being over 50 times, the venom caused my immune system to overreact, basically. I'm just thankful I'm fine now, my feet are still a little swollen and itchy from the bites but besides that I'm fine. I'm dodging ant for the rest of my life though!!!!

AY! YOU PLAY PENNY PONG?!?

1st Dates

Man I had my first 1st date in like 3 years, it was cool. We went to Dave & Buster's, played video games, hung out out with friends, etc. Nothing too serious, we'll see what happens. Right now I'm just living life while I chase my dreams.