I really did write this on 2 different days. Its 2 entirely different opinions
Original Post
There was a point where we were trying to hold onto a relationship that was finished. There are times when it doesn't bother me, and there are times when it bothers me a lot. There were times when I was thinking, ‘Damn. I had this shit all planned out, and now I’ve failed’. That was hard on me, because I don’t like to fail at anything. Accepting that I failed at this relationship messed me up. You ask yourself, ‘How could that person be so cold’? And I’m sure she felt the same way about me. It was ugly.
Final Resignation
That anger thing has changed into something that I don't even know what to call. I feel like she never was able to just kick back, relax and have fun with me and enjoy our relationship, unless she was drinking. A relationship is something you should enjoy for the most part rather than constantly stress about...I stressed about things too, but I 've never met anyone that was so tightly wound up about everything. When I come to this conclusion my anger begins to fade, because I didn't matter if I was the perfect guy, there would've been someone perceived negative about my personality or our relationship.
All jokes aside, there were issues that have to be worked out.. I do think that there is a part of her deep down in there that loves me, but that part has always fought with this angry, insecure part of her. Its damn near resembles 2 different personalities all together. And I'm not even saying this be funny, or sarcastic or whatever. You can legitimately shorten your life by being that way. Our bodies don't deal with stress well and for as long as I've known her she was stressed about a lot. Its normal to stress about the issues people our age are going through right now (i.e. financial independence, career decisions, family issues, etc.), I stress about some of those things too, but there was hopelessness vibe that I got when she would talk about it, like her problems would never end. I'll be honest, I get like that every now and then also.
I'm still hurt about a lot of stuff and I miss her and everything about her everyday, who wouldn't, this was the woman I planned on spending the rest of my life with. But now I just look at it as I fell in love with someone who wasn't able to love me unconditionally. I also think she lost herself a bit when she left Texas. Away from your support system, your boyfriend, and with no real friends to count on up there anybody would've had a hard time dealing with that. That isolation just further exacerbated her personal issues and insecurities. When it got to the point of her being annoyed by something as small as me reading the news every day and getting excited about some new phone app or something and wanting to tell her about it, it became discouraging to communicate to her. And I wont sit up here and act like it was all her because I've made plenty of mistakes and have my own issues. I did everything I could, even told her about her my plans to propose when she came back. I'll never look back on that relationship and think about what I could've done because I did everything in my power. I even told her many a time, "I'm willing to go through hell or high water with you as long as your willing to the same. As much as we've gone through, we can make it through anything. Whatever we gotta do to make this relationship work, I'm willing to do it." I feel bad for both of us honestly, we're deprived a good thing, on our biggest supporter, our best friend, our confidant, etc. Maybe she'll see that one day done the road. Now I can't do anything but love her from a distance, hope for the best for her in life and hope she becomes the great woman and person I know she's capable of becoming.
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