2 days, 2 different feelings

I really did write this on 2 different days. Its 2 entirely different opinions

Original Post

There was a point where we were trying to hold onto a relationship that was finished. There are times when it doesn't bother me, and there are times when it bothers me a lot. There were times when I was thinking, ‘Damn. I had this shit all planned out, and now I’ve failed’. That was hard on me, because I don’t like to fail at anything. Accepting that I failed at this relationship messed me up. You ask yourself, ‘How could that person be so cold’? And I’m sure she felt the same way about me. It was ugly.


Final Resignation
That anger thing has changed into something that I don't even know what to call. I feel like she never was able to just kick back, relax and have fun with me and enjoy our relationship, unless she was drinking. A relationship is something you should enjoy for the most part rather than constantly stress about...I stressed about things too, but I 've never met anyone that was so tightly wound up about everything.  When I come to this conclusion my anger begins to fade, because I didn't matter if I was the perfect guy, there would've been someone perceived negative about my personality or our relationship.

 All jokes aside, there were issues that have to be worked out.. I do think that there is a part of her deep down in there that loves me, but that part has always fought with this angry, insecure part of her. Its damn near resembles 2 different personalities all together. And I'm not even saying this be funny, or sarcastic or whatever. You can legitimately shorten your life by being that way. Our bodies don't deal with stress well and for as long as I've known her she was stressed  about a lot. Its normal to stress about the issues people our age are going through right now (i.e. financial independence, career decisions, family issues, etc.), I stress about some of those things too, but there was hopelessness vibe that I got when she would talk about it, like her problems would never end. I'll be honest, I get like that every now and then also.

I'm still hurt about a lot of stuff and I miss her and everything about her everyday, who wouldn't, this was the woman I planned on spending the rest of my life with. But now I just look at it as I fell in love with someone who wasn't able to love me unconditionally. I also think she lost herself a bit when she left Texas. Away from your support system, your boyfriend, and with no real friends to count on up there anybody would've had a hard time dealing with that. That isolation just further exacerbated her personal issues and insecurities. When it got to the point of her being annoyed by something as small as me reading the news every day and getting excited about some new phone app or something and wanting to tell her about it, it became discouraging to communicate to her. And I wont sit up here and act like it was all her because I've made plenty of mistakes and have my own issues. I did everything I could, even told her about her my plans to propose when she came back. I'll never look back on that relationship and think about what I could've done because I did everything in my power. I even told her many a time, "I'm willing to go through hell or high water with you as long as your willing to the same. As much as we've gone through, we can make it through anything. Whatever we gotta do to make this relationship work, I'm willing to do it." I feel bad for both of us honestly, we're deprived a good thing, on our biggest supporter, our best friend, our confidant, etc. Maybe she'll see that one day done the road. Now I can't do anything but love her from a distance, hope for the best for her in life and hope she becomes the great woman and person I know she's capable of becoming.

I thought we was talkin' 'bout haircuts?...

I don't know why He keeps blessing me

Anxiety of an unemployed college grad...

I'll be frank, my post college life has not been what I expected. I'm beginning to become frustrated because I need a job or internship asap, so I can get out of my parents house. I love my parents but now I need my own space. I've had my own apartment in college for the last 4 years and moving back home is trying. As a 23 year old college graduate I need to go on my own and see what I'm made of and stand on my own 2 feet. I appreciate my parents for everything they do but I NEED my independence. Also I need a job to kick start my career; I didn't for to school for 4.5 years just to apply for mediocre ass jobs that I could've gotten with just a high school diploma.

I just have the urge to get out of Austin, I want to meet new people, see new things, eat different foods, admire other cultures. I love being from here but I feel like if I want to chase my dreams I need to leave. I feel stagnant here.  I just feel like there are no avenues for success here with the career path that I want to take.

I don't know my purpose right now.

 Lately, I don't have a physical person to confide that understands how I feel. Few people around me have taken my path (i.e. college). 90% of them got a job straight out of high school and have been working and saving. Right now, I have no physical person to confide in who truly understands how I feel and empathizes with me I talk to God, but sometimes I don't know what he wants me to do. I wish it was as easy as God calling me on the phone and being like "Bro, you need to be patient, I got something coming up for you"...if something like that were possible I wouldn't have any complaints. I just don't know what my purpose is and I'm starting to feel like my degree was worthless because every job I want request experience over education. But the thing is I need to get hired to get experience though. I'm just being impatient, I'm ready to start this exciting and fulfilling life that I want but I'm just at a standstill right now and I'm SO anxious to get out of it.

Jeremiah. 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...

What the shit...ANT BITES?!?

Sooo me, Bree, Nigel, Nic and Sileaha hit the pool on Saturday. As soon as we get I put my stuff (i.e. shoes, phone, shirt, etc) on the pool chair. As I'm standing there, my feet begin to tingle. I look down and what looked like an entire ant colony covering my feet! I did like any regular person would and swatted them shits and went in the water to get the rest off them off. Not that easy...

I didn't think anything of because I been bitten by ants before and nothing happened. I was cool for the next 15 minutes, all of a sudden I felt the urge to cough. I still wasn't worried about it. Then, out of the blue, I feel my face get hot and swollen. Not knowing what I looked I immediately got out of the pool and went to Nic's house to check my face out. I look in the mirror and I damn near look like fuckin' Craig Mack!!!

I'm talking nose swollen, lip, eyes, basically everything on my face. I popped 2 Benedryl immediately. That's when I start to have a mini panic attack. You gotta understand, my immune system has always been A1, I RARELY get sick, I've never broken a broken, anything. By this time Nigel is driving me back to my house, I can barely breathe, my eyes are swollen shut, I'm itching like crazy. I'm praying to God like "Please don't me die" lol. I get home and all I can do is sit an wait for the Benedryl to take over. That was THE LONGEST 3 hours of my life. 

Everybody that was at the pool came to house. Obviously, I was going through some physical stuff but I was still watching how Bree was acting, considering the circumstances. Now, if she would've dipped out and went home while I was going through this, it would've been a wrap for her. But she stayed though, that's important because most of the other chicks that I've "talked" to before wouldn't have. So she got some points on that one. We'll see how that goes.

After looking up the symptoms, I found out I had an anaphalactic allergic reaction which means the minute amount of venom from the ant bites caused by the release of mediators from certain types of white blood cells triggered either by immunologic or non-immunologic mechanisms. Symptoms typically include generalized hives, itchiness, flushing or swelling of the lips.  Other features may include a runny nose and swelling of the eyelids. After being over 50 times, the venom caused my immune system to overreact, basically. I'm just thankful I'm fine now, my feet are still a little swollen and itchy from the bites but besides that I'm fine. I'm dodging ant for the rest of my life though!!!!

AY! YOU PLAY PENNY PONG?!?

1st Dates

Man I had my first 1st date in like 3 years, it was cool. We went to Dave & Buster's, played video games, hung out out with friends, etc. Nothing too serious, we'll see what happens. Right now I'm just living life while I chase my dreams.