In all honesty, I'm taking this break up shit better than I thought. I knew I wouldn't have a meltdown like last time but I didn't know that I would be so cool with it.
Does the fact that it doesn't affect me as much mean that I didn't care??? No, I do care it's just that there were a lot of deep and undiscussed issues that were going on. That was really the deal breaker, she had issues with me and I had issues with her and after a while it became 2 much 4 us 2 handle in order 2 have a successful relationship. And as bad as it sounds I kind of saw this coming.
And a few people have said that I'm lingering on it 2 much. "Bitch, fuck you I can cope however i damn well please."
This time around I was finally able 2 vent 2 people about my situation. I was able 2 scream, yell, get angry, emotional, talk shit; whatever I needed 2 do get this off of my back they let me do it and it felt so good. 4 the 1st time I truly prayed about my relationship situation and I was told that God has a plan and that plan may not include her and after reading that it became easier 2 accept.
I talked 2 my mama about the situation and she told that it seems like I'm more comfortable in being in a relationship because of the stability of it and the fact that everything in my life has been stable has really influenced that. In all honesty, she's right. I grew up in a loving home with both parents who were and are still happily married and had no financial issues.
In the end, that is what i want 4 myself in the future, I want what my parents have. Not exactly but my own version of it. I want a best friend, a partnership, 50/50, equality. I don't want 2 have 2 deal with power struggles. It shouldn't be about that. It should be about us working 2gether 4 the greater good of our relationship and family.
Sometimes it felt like I couldn't be real about things. Like 4 instance, I'm a big shit talker; I crack jokes, ride on people, etc. Sometimes it can misconstrued as being mean but that's just how I am. And it felt like I had 2 hold back in fear of upsetting her with something I said about someone because whenever i did she would always try 2 quiet me down or whatever.
IDK...I guess I'm just still venting... it's only been 2-3 days. Even though I say all of this, I'll be honest and say that I have a lot of internal stuff 2 work on b4 I can think about jumping back into a relationship. Sometimes I don't know if I'm really built 4 a relationship because my true interactions with females my age involves a lot of shit talking whether that be playful or not and it can be taken the wrong way.
Anyways I gotta a lot of good stuff going on in my life. I gotta trip 2 Florida coming' up in the next couple weeks, my family is good and I just got a job, and I'm beginning 2 better myself 4 me, not 4 the sake of someone else and it's liberating 2 know that.
What do y'all think about my siuation???
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