Thursday, July 28, 2011
Miguel- Quickie
I'm people are finally discovering good music. This song is 5 years old, and he's just now comin' out with a video for this!...tsk, tsk, tsk.
Dog Days of Summer
Man, I'll be honest, this has been one of the roughest summers I've been through. Not even physically, just mentally and emotionally. The breakup and the my grandpa passing took a lot outta me, I'm not gonna lie. Dealing with the combination was pretty tough, but its getting better. When you get to the pointt where you've picked picked an engagement ring, and started a payment plans, and already planned out the proposal at graduation you don't just immediately get over that in a couple days. And I was at that point, had been making payments on it since April, that's why I was so broke at the beginning of the summer lol. Now had the break up happened after I finished all that, somebody would've had to call the laws lol. Realistically though, who meets their future spouse at 18? And it last forever? Nobody, that's who! lol I still have my days ,but they're coming less often. I'm just coping by staying busy. I've been burying myself in school, talking to my friends, working out, working, and even maintaining the bible study I've been trying lately. All of that makes it a lot easier to cope, its just a daily process though. I'm sure there will be some more times where I miss what I once had, but in the end you just gotta get over it.
What happened to me, happens to people all over the world every day. You just gotta pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep it moving. One day I'll be able to look back on this time in my life and realize that I was made a better man, person, father, husband and friend because of this. I say that because I've learned to appreciate what I have and no matter anybody says or what promises and plans are made, it can always be taken away. I don't know man, maybe if the two situations hadn't occurred around the same time maybe it would've been easier to cope with. I don't know, I'm just speculating right now. When I really look at the grand scheme of things, I really got it made, I've been blessed with no major worries. My situation is better than a majority of people right now; I'm a college-educated, intrinsically-driven, goofy, athletic, articulate, smart man with a bright future ahead of me. It's plenty of people that would switch places with me right now. But, yeah man, like I said before, I'm just taking it day by day and slowly but surely its becoming less and less harder to deal with...
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Grad School vs Achievement Through Promotion
Lately, I been kind of the fence about this whole grad school thing. As I've done an inventory of my requirements to do the job I eventually want to do I possibly can achieve it without breaking my parents pockets and spending 2 more years in higher education.
Its SO many internships available, so many to the point that I'm questioning the usefulness of a master's degree. Its even a spot available at the Bob Bullock Museum in Austin which the exact place I wanna end up. The only thing is I would hav to work my way up the ladder, but I don't have a problem with that, I actually prefer that. I say that because if I work my way all the way to the top, I'll know the in's and out's about everything and be able to perform my job that much better.\
I still haven't pulled trigger on anything right now, just contemplating my options. In all honesty, I could be anywhere 6 months from now, Austin, Houston, Dallas, Maybe even D.C. with some luck, who knows. I'm just gonna keep weighing my options and definitely pull the trigger by September or October. Whatever museum with upward mobilty wants to hire an intelligent, witty, intrinsicly driven, goofy, articulate, 22 year old, 250 pound, black man with dreads and gauges is definitely the one for me.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Two 1st's of today
Now we've hit once the biggest thing we'll probably ever deal. He has a baby on the way in a couple months. Due to the fact I have no child and won't have one for a while, this will probably be the closest I have to one, or a niece at least. As soon as he told me it was a girl I thought, "Aw hell, we gotta buy some guns!" lol...When those little boys start coming around they are gonna be in for a surprise...I'm gonna my best to be the best uncle to Nahla Janice Lott as I can be and I hope he'll do the same for me when I have children.
Another 1st that I experienced today completely surprised me. I picked up a bible and actually studied. I've been going back to church lately but the fact remains is, I've NEVER cracked open a bible on my own. One reason for that is kinda had issues with the way my religion was brought to me when I was younger, but that's another story and also the King James Version was always a little wordy for me.
The way it happened was a total accident. I happened to be cleaning out the trunk of my car and came across a copy of "God's Game Plan", a bible for athletes, which was given to me by our team chaplain when I played football for ASU. It piqued my interest when I came across it because I had been thinking about so much negative stuff lately, that I thought I should try something different. I took it back to my apartment and started to thumb through it.
Now what makes this bible different is the fact that the language isn't so formal and it's geared toward an athlete's thinking. It comes with several different way of applying different verses to different issues and explaining why they apply. That's a plus for me because before I kinda felt like I was reading certain verses because the pastor told me to.
The first lesson was about self-image As a warm-up we had grade ourselves on our temperament and I've noticed I'm completely giving to the ones closest to me but ice to people I don't know. The actual verse of the lesson was Luke 18:9-14, which discusses a Pharisee and a Tax Collector, in a shortened version the Pharisee is this exalted man but prayed to God that was thankful for not being like other men, but the tax collector who, at the time was oft-compared to a robber or murderer, simply asked for forgiveness. Later, only the tax collector went home justified. The lesson in this was that for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself is exalted.
For the first time in a couple I actually felt ok. I wasn't thinking negatively or selfishly. I actually went to work with a clear mind. I was thinking, "Dang, why haven't I been doing this sooner? If I would've known I my temperament could changes that quickly after 1 lesson, what would happen if I really got into this?" I just simply took a baby step in reading the word. And some people may take this with a grain of salt, but in all honesty I really couldn't care less about other people's opinions as far as this is concerned, this is MY personal thing. It was cool though man, a really refreshing feeling. Once I make through all 210 lessons they have in this bible I'll get back to you on where I am with it lol...I'll just take, 1 lesson, 1 day at a time.
Donald Earl Bates AKA my twin
When you first passed I shut down from everything for like a month straight: school, family, my girlfriend, my friends. When I found out my then-girlfriend and I had just woken up and I just went on a routine facebook check in my phone and Whitney posted a status about it. I couldn't do anything but just sit there, I had no thoughts, no feelings, no words. I could'nt even tell my ex and she literally right next to me at the time. I couldn't do anything. At that moment I felt myself go on pause.
To this day, I haven't really talked to anyone about it. I've wanted to but I had a lot of other stuff going on at the time and there was no physical person I felt comfortable with discussing it to and that kinda delayed the grieving process. I even tried to go by the damn clinic and set up on appointment to talk to someone but they gave me the run around.
I even used to have nightmares about it, not really nightmares but dreams in which I just felt sad and terrible. But the thing is, it never really hit me that you were gone until the funeral because I had been at school for a good part of the time you had been sick. I never could've have imagined you not being there. I still have my rough days dealing with the fact that you're gone. That's just my own selfishness talking because I know you're in a better place and you're happy.
I'm slowly adjusting to it now, it's just a daily process. I know your physical presence isn't there anymore but your spirit is. I just hope that I can still make you proud.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Liquor-Driven Fuckery
Not last night though, boy I got so damn emotional...nigga was talkin' 'bout I wanna my arms around you, and you're my rib, and a whole bunch of other stuff that leaked out. And wanted to laugh with her, dance with her, kiss her, touch her, even have sex and wake up to her face the next morning, basically stuff that a college age couple would do when they're both drunk at a party. I wasn't lying about anything I said because that's how I felt but I still would've wanted that info to go unsaid though. It felt like that old Boyz II Men song "End of The Road" was coming out of my mouth.
Now as I was saying all of my, brain was trying its hardest to shut that shit up my mouth had other plans. He was like "Fuck you bro, I'm gonna say what I want". I was in that hoe talkin' all kinds of reckless. But like I said earlier, I'm gonna chill on the drinking for a while 'cause my family has a history of addiction anyway and I don't even wanna get close to something like that occuring...smh
Friday, July 22, 2011
Complete Autonomy and That Last Conversation
Now with that being said, I'm gonna talk about a conversation that I was a part of last night. I had a discussion with you last night and it bothered me...not the actual discussion itself but what transpired afterward. As soon as I heard the door close I heard instant laughter. At that point in time I've never felt more played in my life: not in a "Aw, she cheated" way, but in a "laughter at my expense" way. It felt like you put on a show so it could look like I was so whipped over you. A flood of emotions immediately came over me: hurt, anger, embarassment. I really thought we were better than that.
Before that, I thought we were finally making progress into being cool with not being together but last moment tatinted my image of you a bit. And maybe I needed to feel like that in order to be completely break this off. Now with that being said, I don't hate you, I'm not bashing you I'm not gonna call you out of your name because of the simple fact that I love and respect you too much to even go there, but at the same time I'm realizing that I can now only love you from afar and I'm just simply acknowleging things that happened.
You might come across this and you might not, I dont know if you still even look at this thing anymore but with everything considered, when I think of you I want to think about to good times we had rather than the bad. I want my last memories to be positive; like the many nights spent in each others arms discussing our future together, the walks in the park, you laughing at my riculous singing impressions lol, your effort to get me to open myself to you, the way your face would light up when you saw me, randomly busting into the robot, your constant physical presence, having the ability to comfort you when something was wrong, or even the time we slow-danced in your room. I'd like that to be the images that flash through my mind rather than recent ones filled with uncertainty, angst and pain. In order to maintain this wonderful image of you and the love that we once shared we must let that last conversation be exactly what it was...our last conversation...because anything further would probably taint it for now.
Who knows what may happen down the line; we might be friends, or we might not. I would prefer that that would eventually happen again. Because you've been with me through thick and thin these last 4 years, from car tickets to my grandpa passing to my windows getting shot out, your grandpa passing, living on ramen noodles days at a time, a divorce. We've been pillars of strength for one another throughout college and I'll be honest, I'm gonna miss my pillar and I never wanted it to leave but there was a factor that came into the equation that halted that and that factor is literally changing the courses of our lives, outside of the what we had originally planned. We have no choice but to deal with that, and as much as bothered me in the beginning I'm ok with it now. I no longer have any anger, just a bit of hurt pride from yesterday but I'm good. I can honestly say that I'm good, that's almost a freeing experience to feel that way. I hope that you feel the same way too. All this drama that has been going on as of late is done, I'm finally letting go...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Six Summer Fails (Don't Let This Be You!!!)
“After an extended winter we can finally trade in the boots and coats in lieu of lighter garments and brighter colors. But not so fast, as people begin to shed their layers in the warmer months, they oftentimes cast off their proper fashion sense as well. You know, that person that's in such of a rush to switch gears that they play themselves stylistically. We've all been victim or witness to it. Here's a cautionary list of summer fails to look out for and avoid. #ThankMeLater
UGLY FEET
This goes for men and women: If you know that your dogs are not up to par and you're nowhere near a beach, shower or pool, then keep your feet under wraps. Since guys are generally known for having bad feet, we tend to keep them covered, save for the sandal-clad few. Ladies, however, know that the summer is prime time for feet displays. Y'all know this and men know this, so there's no excuse for unveiling rough ashy heels that look like old chalkboards with a side of corns and chips for toes. My advice to anyone who plans to show off their toes this summer is to make a pedicure appointment ASAP or at the very least throw on a fresh coat of paint and buff them heels. A good pumice stone is your friend.
ASHY ELBOWS/LEGS/HANDS
I'm not sure if other races go through this but people of color get ashy. We know this from an early age. While most women spend hours cocoa buttering their legs and arms my fellow men are not always so keen on the power of lotion. I'll admit that even yours truly has gotten caught out there with a patch of white between my thumb and index finger, but in my defense it's because I wash my hands a lot. But I tend to keep track of that and ask the nearest lady for some lotion to correct the oversight. Some dudes seem to just not care and not only have ashy hands but elbows and knees, too. As a general rule, fellas, if you're going to expose more skin you got to use more lotion.
SWEAT STAINS
We're human and in the summer months it's only right that we perspire a little but if you raise your arm and the material by your pit is two shades darker than the rest of your shirt #thatsabadlook. If you're wearing deodorant already buy a stronger brand because clearly it's not working. Personally, as an added antiperspirant measure I always wear a wifebeater underneath my T-shirts. People always ask, "Doesn't that make you hot?" Nope it keeps the back of my shirt from getting wet spots. SIDE NOTE: If your white tee or wifebeater is now off-white just toss it out already. #Thanx
SWEATER VESTS
#CmonSon it's summertime; why are you wearing a sweater in August? I don't care that it doesn't have sleeves, just looking at you is making my sweat sweat. And please for the love of all that's good in this world don't play yourself by rockin' a sweater vest with no shirt underneath. It doesn't matter if you have the arms for it (most time you don't) that look is not the move.
UNSHAVEN PITS
Ladies, I'm all for equal rights and all but shave your pits. Before someone calls me sexist even I do it to cut down on the aforementioned sweat stains. I'll tell y’all this there's nothing more unsettling than seeing a cutie in the summer wearing a spaghetti strap top only to have her raise her arm and you see she's got Buckwheat in a headlock. Man, the first time I seen that I damn near fell out. I'm all for natural women but fade them pits.
PANTY WASTE
Maybe I'm in the minority of my male counterparts, but I don't want to see your Vickie's fighting to get out your jeans/shorts. This is actually a year-round phenomenon that borders on tacky. I understand the combination of low-cut jeans and short shirts make panty sightings more probable but show some tact and keep track of any unexpected back drafts—especially when sitting by a window. Oh, and while we're on the subject of undergarments, make sure when wearing white pants/skirts to check a mirror to ensure that the whole world can't see your Hello Kitty emblems through your see-through pants”
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Fatherhood Aspirations
I came across this earlier today which was taken from a music video "Hold On" by Curren$y. This picture and scene in which it was taken from often make think of what type of father I'll be down the road. I could easily imagine this being a mirror image of my son and I whenever I do get married and have on. My ex-girlfriend and I would sometimes talk about having kids later on and images of running around with a mini-me in tow would pop up. By no means am I ready for a child, financially and mentally, but when I do have one I already know that my all will be put into raising my children just as my daddy does for me. Even though I might be 22 I still lean on my daddy for fatherly advice and whatever else pops up. He's always been there for me and set an example on how to lead a family, and how to love and treat a wife and child, I hope to one day be able to follow his example even as half as well as he has.
Monday, July 18, 2011
SMH
Lately I have been exhausted by women my age, not even one specific person but as a whole, from girlfriends to homegirls to associates. This has me contemplating leaving women alone for a while no homo lol....But seriuosly though, besides my family members I have seen nothing deceit, indecisiveness, conniving, and just blatant disrespect from womenfolk...By no means am I making a sweeping generalization about all women because I know that they're not all bad but from personal experience they are few and far between. It's not even anger that's fueling this rant, just an exhausted dissappointment. I've always been taught to love, cherish, and respect women especially black women, but that has never been reciprocated. I don't even have the energy to go into details.
Maybe I'm just too giving of myself which leaves me open to feelings like this. As a man, I sometimes find myself embarassed for feeling so deeply about things. I might give off a hard exterior but inside I'm a big ass teddy bear. In the end though, I've learned that its just God,my family, and my bros...they're the only one's who have been in my corner unconditionally. I'll be back on my feet soon enough, but at this moment in time I'm just in my feelings and I need some way to express because there no one to have a back and forth conversation with right now.
Maybe I'm just too giving of myself which leaves me open to feelings like this. As a man, I sometimes find myself embarassed for feeling so deeply about things. I might give off a hard exterior but inside I'm a big ass teddy bear. In the end though, I've learned that its just God,my family, and my bros...they're the only one's who have been in my corner unconditionally. I'll be back on my feet soon enough, but at this moment in time I'm just in my feelings and I need some way to express because there no one to have a back and forth conversation with right now.
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