Complete Autonomy and That Last Conversation

I'm finally in a good place with this blog. Once upon a time I used to post the link to this all over facebook, twitter and anywhere I could. Now after almost a year untouched, my blog has become a distant afterthought in the minds of my friends and family. I like it that way now, though. This blog has become my personal sanctuary in which I can completely vent my thoughts. I have complete control of this without having to worry about anybody saying something or feeling a certain way because nobody checks this thing anymore.

Now with that being said, I'm gonna talk about a conversation that I was a part of last night. I had a discussion with you last night and it bothered me...not the actual discussion itself but what transpired afterward. As soon as I heard the door close I heard instant laughter. At that point in time I've never felt more played in my life: not in a "Aw, she cheated" way, but in a "laughter at my expense" way. It felt like you put on a show so it could  look like I was so whipped over you. A flood of emotions immediately came over me: hurt, anger, embarassment. I really thought we were better than that.

Before that, I thought we were finally making progress into being cool with not being together but last moment tatinted my image of you a bit. And maybe I needed to feel like that in order to be completely break this off. Now with that being said, I don't hate you, I'm not bashing you I'm not gonna call you out of your name because of the simple fact that I love and respect you too much to even go there, but at the same time I'm realizing that I can now only love you from afar and I'm just simply acknowleging things that happened.

You might come across this and you might not, I dont know if you still even look at this thing anymore but with everything considered, when I think of you I want to think about to good times we had rather than the bad. I want my last memories to be positive; like the many nights spent in each others arms discussing our future together, the walks in the park, you laughing at my riculous singing impressions lol, your effort to get me to open myself to you, the way your face would light up when you saw me, randomly busting into the robot, your constant physical presence, having the ability to comfort you when something was wrong, or even the time we slow-danced in your room. I'd like that to be the images that flash through my mind rather than recent ones filled with uncertainty, angst and pain. In order to maintain this wonderful image of you and the love that we once shared we must let that last conversation be exactly what it was...our last conversation...because anything further would probably taint it for now.

Who knows what may happen down the line; we might be friends, or we might not. I would prefer that that would eventually happen again. Because you've been with me through thick and thin these last 4 years, from car tickets to my grandpa passing to my windows getting shot out, your grandpa passing, living on ramen noodles days at a time, a divorce. We've been pillars of strength for one another throughout college and I'll be honest, I'm gonna miss my pillar and I never wanted it to leave but there was a factor that came into the equation that halted that and that factor is literally changing the courses of our lives, outside of the what we had originally planned. We have no choice but to deal with that, and as much as bothered me in the beginning I'm ok with it now. I no longer have any anger, just a bit of hurt pride from yesterday but I'm good. I can honestly say that I'm good, that's almost a freeing experience to feel that way. I hope that you feel the same way too.  All this drama that has been going on as of late is done, I'm finally letting go...