When you first passed I shut down from everything for like a month straight: school, family, my girlfriend, my friends. When I found out my then-girlfriend and I had just woken up and I just went on a routine facebook check in my phone and Whitney posted a status about it. I couldn't do anything but just sit there, I had no thoughts, no feelings, no words. I could'nt even tell my ex and she literally right next to me at the time. I couldn't do anything. At that moment I felt myself go on pause.
To this day, I haven't really talked to anyone about it. I've wanted to but I had a lot of other stuff going on at the time and there was no physical person I felt comfortable with discussing it to and that kinda delayed the grieving process. I even tried to go by the damn clinic and set up on appointment to talk to someone but they gave me the run around.
I even used to have nightmares about it, not really nightmares but dreams in which I just felt sad and terrible. But the thing is, it never really hit me that you were gone until the funeral because I had been at school for a good part of the time you had been sick. I never could've have imagined you not being there. I still have my rough days dealing with the fact that you're gone. That's just my own selfishness talking because I know you're in a better place and you're happy.
I'm slowly adjusting to it now, it's just a daily process. I know your physical presence isn't there anymore but your spirit is. I just hope that I can still make you proud.
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