This Lust Thing...smh

Man has been the most difficult thing to control lately. It feels like its been forever since I've had sex. My sexual drive is no different than the average 22 year old man but when I actually try to suppress this shit, it sucks man lol... I'm on the verge of pulling my damn hair out. I don't see how women can just do this for ever and just be cool...Intense workouts and cold showers are the only thing that can remedy this...

In Love to Outta Love

Warning: This post might come off mean or apethetic but AH WELL...

So earlier I accidently so my ex when she broughht over Buster....I say accidently because I wanted to meet her outside her building and play with him while she was inside. Anyways she ended up bringing him and her new new rommate and chilling at my apartment for a minute. When she first said it I was like "Fuck, I don't wanna go through this "missing her" shit again, but a funny thing happened...*drum roll please* NOTHING!

Absolutely nothing, no feelings, no urges, nothing. Usually, when she would be around me before I would be turned on but that didnt even happen. I didn't even have the urge to touch or hug her like before. She still sexy and everything but that didn't make me wanna do her constantly like before. She really wasn't giving too good of a conversation either and seemed to not be putting too much effort into listen to what I had to say and towards then end of the visit I started thinking "THIS IS WHAT I BEEN TRIPPING OVER FOR THE PAST 2 MONTHS?!?" Now I can finally understand how she fell out of love with me so abruptly 'cause the same thing JUST happened to me. I'm not in love with her and I don't want to have a romantic relationship with her. I don't have a desire to be her man anymore....it would be completely and utterly pointless and stupid to try 'cause there's NO connection, at all.

All I could think about was what my plans were down the road and her not being apart of them and no longer being bothered by that anymore. Its like I had on rose-colored glasses and them hoes got snatched off and I saw things for how they really were/are. Now with all that being said, I'll probably always miss what we once had because the romantic love and emotional intimacy I HAD with her during our relationship was unlike anything I've ever experienced and probably wont again until I find the love of my life years from now. C'mon bro, I planned to propose to this chick at graduation and already started paying for a ring so of course I loved her at one point in time.  But to put it plainly, we've outgrown each other. We were in a relationship that was doomed from the start 'cause we're absolutely incompatable. I finally saw that and I realized WE WASTED YEARS trying to prove otherwise. Nobody benifited from this waste of time, money, and emotion. 

I've got my own life to live, goals to accomplish, people to see, places to go and so does she. An "US" could've never realistically existed for an extended amount of time, and it never did. When you really look at it,  throughout our almost 3 year "thing", we had never been together for more than a few months at a time before some crazy shit popped off.

When I think about it maybe this wasn't an accident. Maybe God made that event occur so I could be hit with the epiphany that I no longer desire her romantically, emotionally, sexually, or spritually.

HAHAHA

I swear we used to do this in the school parking lot in high school!!!LMAO

#SWAG!!!!!

Yeah she plottin' on my brown cock!! LMAO!!

Family Tree

So I got an email this morning from my mama regarding our family tree on her side of the family. Apparently my aunt went and did tons of research and interviewed family members, the whole nine yards. She was able to trace the Bates name to all the way to 1830's in Jefferson, Alabama...now a suburb of Birmingham. She wasn't able to go any farther back than that because people weren't to consistent about keeping up with slave records at the time. I always thought that I would be the one to trace the family lineage, being the history buff that I am, but I'll definitely try to add some more info to this down the road.

I'm 'bout that city life!...among other things...

Preparations are being made to hit my city for the first time in months. I need this though, It's LONG overdue! Just a recharge bro. Time to get outta Angelo. Take a break from abyss that been stuck for the last 3 months alone. Its made me stronger though, this period has taken my mind to some places and had me contemplating some actions I wouldn't have ever imagined before this. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I still need to get up out this hoe for a couple days though! lol I don't have any friends here. Not true friends, but I got plenty of associates. But when it comes down to it, NOBODY out here is down for me. The ones that were all left, and I'll be doing the same, for a few days at least.

I'm gettin' my hair retwisted , gettin' an edge up, gettin' tatted, do lil' bit of shoppin', hit up Dan's for some good ass Burgers!!!...most important of all I get to see my people. Speaking of edge ups, I got a light beard goin', not Rick Ross or nothing, but its like the  chin strap I had before but its a little bit higher on the sides. Its cool but my facial hair grow SO SLOW!!! You know me though, I'm keeping cleaned and edged up, there's no other way. Before I digress, I miss my fam like hell. It's been almost 4 months, and not by choice. I was too busy tryna survive out here and save up  money.

I swear its nothing like riding down I-35 with bros, with the windows down. For me, since my circle of true friends is so small, when I actually do get to see them, its such a great feeling.

With that being said, a lot have of things have changed with us, mainly priorities. Them fools used to talk down on me 'cause I was gal'd up now they all in love lol.While I am conscious of my financial situation and trying to sustain myself while I finish college, these niggas got babies on the way, live-in girlfriends, full-time jobs, and bills. By no means am I judging them, but the main reason I went to college was to avoid doing that so early and to have a career that I want, rather than paying bills. And plus I'm scared AF to have a baby right now, I can't even take care of my damn self, let alone a mini-me and a wife that I would be having that baby with.

I don't know if we'll get to kick it as much 'cause in a few months, only God know's where I'll be and what I'll be doing, whether that be grad school, an internship, or a quality job straight outta college. At times I feel like my professional career will pull me away from the bond that me and them have, simply because I'll be occupied with furthering my self professionally, finding my way as a man, and establishing myself financially. I always said when I was younger that I would never let my career get in the way of my relationships, but now that I'm looking at the beginning of it in January, I just dont know if thats realistic anymore.While I'm doing this, there gonna pre-occupied with there lives. For the longest it had always been just us three, this was gonna eventually happen though 'cause people grow up and have to find there places in the world. Maybe if we had more in common career-wise or goal-wise I wouldn't have these worries. I love them like they're blood and and along with my blood family they've stuck with me through everything, I just don't want things to fall off.

IDK bro!, I just got a lot questions about my future. I don't know what to do... I feel like I'm front of a thick fog that represents my future and God is pulling me by the hand through it towards my ultimate purpose ,and for the first time that I can think of, I'm giving in to his will, I'm letting him pull me where he wants me to go. Nothing else has worked for me. Now I'm not gonna go preaching like like I've completely given in yet because I still have major questions. Hell I'm nosey lol, I wish I had a crystal ball to give me glimpse of what'll be happening in my life, what type of man I'll be, how my career will be progressing a year from now, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, just so I could be cool and not have so much anxiety about it.The thing is, I want to be able to control the situation and know what I'm gonna do, how I'm gonna do it, when and where I'm gonna do it. I simply can't though, all I can do is choose the best options that he'll give me.

Zeus is gone...Where's Zachary Jamal?

Just one of those days man. I just wanna lay up and watch tv and chill and talk with my lady, man. At first when I used miss my ex at times I would would try to reject it like "Get out yo feelings nigga"...but now I'm just accepting it because of the fact is this a necessary part of getting over someone. 'Cause its like "Damn, as much as think about her, that girl aint worried about me! lol" I can feel myself going through different stages of feelings: going from sadness to anger to eventually apathy. It still hurts sometimes, not gonna lie. Sometimes I just wanna scream like "I FUCKING LOVE YOU, why don't you feel the same???" And then there are other times where I couldn't care less. Time eventually heals all wounds, but at 1st it felt like someone put salt in that hoe! lol

 Like I said before its getting better but I still have my days. It's an internal battle in my mind. One day its gonna get to the point where I don't care what happens. I just could've never even imagined this as little as 3 months ago. I feel bad about feeling this way, but when you invest some much time, emotion and effort into something and you just watch crumbling away into nothing and there's I can do about it it lingers. I not gonna bottle up my feelings 'cause that would make me go crazy like before but at the same time, I not gonna do anything stupid. Now, getting ready for my last semester at ASU is whats distracting me from it.

I'm just gonna chill and be single for a while, cause when I think  about it, for the last 3-4 years, I've never been truely single for more than a few months at a time. Its only been 4 females that I had been been involved with during that period but the time periods in with them all intermingled. Not saying that i was meesing 2 chicks at atime or anything but, I was going back and forth with these chicks. Of course my last ex was the main chick but during the periods in which we weren't together I wasn't gonna sit by and be lonely so I dated and talked to chicks. To this days, one of them wants to "be" with me, another would consider "being" and the 3rd, I haven't seen her in years. This is now "MY" time. A time time to focus on me, who I am as a man, what kind of man I will be, the futute of my relationship with God, etc...I don't know how long this time will last  'cause quite frankly nobody deserves what I have to give right now. I'll just continue to do my own thing 'til God sees fit to send someone that's REALLY down for me.

With all that being said, I need to focus on me. I had always been consumed with the idea of being "US" that I made certain sacrifices that I wouldn't normally make if I was single. Besides man I'm young, I'm only 22. I wanna see the world, travel, experience life, start my career, establish myself as a man that can stand on my own 2 feet, financially, spiritually, and emotionally. Plus I been maintaining my bible study, more out of necessity right now because I feel like that more than anything is keeping me sane. I'm still skeptical at times though, not about the bible or anything but because of the fact that I picked it up during tough times. I don't think my relationship with God will completely be on track until I can maintain it when times are good as well. I'm making progress though, more progress in 3 months than 22 years. For the longest I've always put up a barrier to it. Now don't get me wrong I'm still skeptical about people that preach at others constantley and use God in order to benifit their own motives. But my individual relatonship is whats making progress.

Yo I been on the workout tip hard lately *pause* I'm down to 250!!!! Do you know what means? I lost 20 pounds in the last 2 months. Puttin' in work!!! I dunked a basketball for the 1st time in like a year. I was so live, I started doin' cartwhells around the court. I already said that my goal is to have a 6-pack by graduation. that's my main focus 'cause I already got mucular arms, shoulders, chest and legs, but I 've always had a lil extra around the middle. Not a gut or anything but just a lil' extra. It's gonna hard because once you weigh anything over 240 it's damn near impossible, but with dedication I'll get it. I'm thinking maybe 240-235.