Just one of those days man. I just wanna lay up and watch tv and chill and talk with my lady, man. At first when I used miss my ex at times I would would try to reject it like "Get out yo feelings nigga"...but now I'm just accepting it because of the fact is this a necessary part of getting over someone. 'Cause its like "Damn, as much as think about her, that girl aint worried about me! lol" I can feel myself going through different stages of feelings: going from sadness to anger to eventually apathy. It still hurts sometimes, not gonna lie. Sometimes I just wanna scream like "I FUCKING LOVE YOU, why don't you feel the same???" And then there are other times where I couldn't care less. Time eventually heals all wounds, but at 1st it felt like someone put salt in that hoe! lol
Like I said before its getting better but I still have my days. It's an internal battle in my mind. One day its gonna get to the point where I don't care what happens. I just could've never even imagined this as little as 3 months ago. I feel bad about feeling this way, but when you invest some much time, emotion and effort into something and you just watch crumbling away into nothing and there's I can do about it it lingers. I not gonna bottle up my feelings 'cause that would make me go crazy like before but at the same time, I not gonna do anything stupid. Now, getting ready for my last semester at ASU is whats distracting me from it.
I'm just gonna chill and be single for a while, cause when I think about it, for the last 3-4 years, I've never been truely single for more than a few months at a time. Its only been 4 females that I had been been involved with during that period but the time periods in with them all intermingled. Not saying that i was meesing 2 chicks at atime or anything but, I was going back and forth with these chicks. Of course my last ex was the main chick but during the periods in which we weren't together I wasn't gonna sit by and be lonely so I dated and talked to chicks. To this days, one of them wants to "be" with me, another would consider "being" and the 3rd, I haven't seen her in years. This is now "MY" time. A time time to focus on me, who I am as a man, what kind of man I will be, the futute of my relationship with God, etc...I don't know how long this time will last 'cause quite frankly nobody deserves what I have to give right now. I'll just continue to do my own thing 'til God sees fit to send someone that's REALLY down for me.
With all that being said, I need to focus on me. I had always been consumed with the idea of being "US" that I made certain sacrifices that I wouldn't normally make if I was single. Besides man I'm young, I'm only 22. I wanna see the world, travel, experience life, start my career, establish myself as a man that can stand on my own 2 feet, financially, spiritually, and emotionally. Plus I been maintaining my bible study, more out of necessity right now because I feel like that more than anything is keeping me sane. I'm still skeptical at times though, not about the bible or anything but because of the fact that I picked it up during tough times. I don't think my relationship with God will completely be on track until I can maintain it when times are good as well. I'm making progress though, more progress in 3 months than 22 years. For the longest I've always put up a barrier to it. Now don't get me wrong I'm still skeptical about people that preach at others constantley and use God in order to benifit their own motives. But my individual relatonship is whats making progress.
Yo I been on the workout tip hard lately *pause* I'm down to 250!!!! Do you know what means? I lost 20 pounds in the last 2 months. Puttin' in work!!! I dunked a basketball for the 1st time in like a year. I was so live, I started doin' cartwhells around the court. I already said that my goal is to have a 6-pack by graduation. that's my main focus 'cause I already got mucular arms, shoulders, chest and legs, but I 've always had a lil extra around the middle. Not a gut or anything but just a lil' extra. It's gonna hard because once you weigh anything over 240 it's damn near impossible, but with dedication I'll get it. I'm thinking maybe 240-235.
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