Varsity Jacket

 I need one in my life....especially since it's gettin' cold!

This Lust Thing...smh

Man has been the most difficult thing to control lately. It feels like its been forever since I've had sex. My sexual drive is no different than the average 22 year old man but when I actually try to suppress this shit, it sucks man lol... I'm on the verge of pulling my damn hair out. I don't see how women can just do this for ever and just be cool...Intense workouts and cold showers are the only thing that can remedy this...

In Love to Outta Love

Warning: This post might come off mean or apethetic but AH WELL...

So earlier I accidently so my ex when she broughht over Buster....I say accidently because I wanted to meet her outside her building and play with him while she was inside. Anyways she ended up bringing him and her new new rommate and chilling at my apartment for a minute. When she first said it I was like "Fuck, I don't wanna go through this "missing her" shit again, but a funny thing happened...*drum roll please* NOTHING!

Absolutely nothing, no feelings, no urges, nothing. Usually, when she would be around me before I would be turned on but that didnt even happen. I didn't even have the urge to touch or hug her like before. She still sexy and everything but that didn't make me wanna do her constantly like before. She really wasn't giving too good of a conversation either and seemed to not be putting too much effort into listen to what I had to say and towards then end of the visit I started thinking "THIS IS WHAT I BEEN TRIPPING OVER FOR THE PAST 2 MONTHS?!?" Now I can finally understand how she fell out of love with me so abruptly 'cause the same thing JUST happened to me. I'm not in love with her and I don't want to have a romantic relationship with her. I don't have a desire to be her man anymore....it would be completely and utterly pointless and stupid to try 'cause there's NO connection, at all.

All I could think about was what my plans were down the road and her not being apart of them and no longer being bothered by that anymore. Its like I had on rose-colored glasses and them hoes got snatched off and I saw things for how they really were/are. Now with all that being said, I'll probably always miss what we once had because the romantic love and emotional intimacy I HAD with her during our relationship was unlike anything I've ever experienced and probably wont again until I find the love of my life years from now. C'mon bro, I planned to propose to this chick at graduation and already started paying for a ring so of course I loved her at one point in time.  But to put it plainly, we've outgrown each other. We were in a relationship that was doomed from the start 'cause we're absolutely incompatable. I finally saw that and I realized WE WASTED YEARS trying to prove otherwise. Nobody benifited from this waste of time, money, and emotion. 

I've got my own life to live, goals to accomplish, people to see, places to go and so does she. An "US" could've never realistically existed for an extended amount of time, and it never did. When you really look at it,  throughout our almost 3 year "thing", we had never been together for more than a few months at a time before some crazy shit popped off.

When I think about it maybe this wasn't an accident. Maybe God made that event occur so I could be hit with the epiphany that I no longer desire her romantically, emotionally, sexually, or spritually.

HAHAHA

I swear we used to do this in the school parking lot in high school!!!LMAO

#SWAG!!!!!

Yeah she plottin' on my brown cock!! LMAO!!

Family Tree

So I got an email this morning from my mama regarding our family tree on her side of the family. Apparently my aunt went and did tons of research and interviewed family members, the whole nine yards. She was able to trace the Bates name to all the way to 1830's in Jefferson, Alabama...now a suburb of Birmingham. She wasn't able to go any farther back than that because people weren't to consistent about keeping up with slave records at the time. I always thought that I would be the one to trace the family lineage, being the history buff that I am, but I'll definitely try to add some more info to this down the road.

I'm 'bout that city life!...among other things...

Preparations are being made to hit my city for the first time in months. I need this though, It's LONG overdue! Just a recharge bro. Time to get outta Angelo. Take a break from abyss that been stuck for the last 3 months alone. Its made me stronger though, this period has taken my mind to some places and had me contemplating some actions I wouldn't have ever imagined before this. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I still need to get up out this hoe for a couple days though! lol I don't have any friends here. Not true friends, but I got plenty of associates. But when it comes down to it, NOBODY out here is down for me. The ones that were all left, and I'll be doing the same, for a few days at least.

I'm gettin' my hair retwisted , gettin' an edge up, gettin' tatted, do lil' bit of shoppin', hit up Dan's for some good ass Burgers!!!...most important of all I get to see my people. Speaking of edge ups, I got a light beard goin', not Rick Ross or nothing, but its like the  chin strap I had before but its a little bit higher on the sides. Its cool but my facial hair grow SO SLOW!!! You know me though, I'm keeping cleaned and edged up, there's no other way. Before I digress, I miss my fam like hell. It's been almost 4 months, and not by choice. I was too busy tryna survive out here and save up  money.

I swear its nothing like riding down I-35 with bros, with the windows down. For me, since my circle of true friends is so small, when I actually do get to see them, its such a great feeling.

With that being said, a lot have of things have changed with us, mainly priorities. Them fools used to talk down on me 'cause I was gal'd up now they all in love lol.While I am conscious of my financial situation and trying to sustain myself while I finish college, these niggas got babies on the way, live-in girlfriends, full-time jobs, and bills. By no means am I judging them, but the main reason I went to college was to avoid doing that so early and to have a career that I want, rather than paying bills. And plus I'm scared AF to have a baby right now, I can't even take care of my damn self, let alone a mini-me and a wife that I would be having that baby with.

I don't know if we'll get to kick it as much 'cause in a few months, only God know's where I'll be and what I'll be doing, whether that be grad school, an internship, or a quality job straight outta college. At times I feel like my professional career will pull me away from the bond that me and them have, simply because I'll be occupied with furthering my self professionally, finding my way as a man, and establishing myself financially. I always said when I was younger that I would never let my career get in the way of my relationships, but now that I'm looking at the beginning of it in January, I just dont know if thats realistic anymore.While I'm doing this, there gonna pre-occupied with there lives. For the longest it had always been just us three, this was gonna eventually happen though 'cause people grow up and have to find there places in the world. Maybe if we had more in common career-wise or goal-wise I wouldn't have these worries. I love them like they're blood and and along with my blood family they've stuck with me through everything, I just don't want things to fall off.

IDK bro!, I just got a lot questions about my future. I don't know what to do... I feel like I'm front of a thick fog that represents my future and God is pulling me by the hand through it towards my ultimate purpose ,and for the first time that I can think of, I'm giving in to his will, I'm letting him pull me where he wants me to go. Nothing else has worked for me. Now I'm not gonna go preaching like like I've completely given in yet because I still have major questions. Hell I'm nosey lol, I wish I had a crystal ball to give me glimpse of what'll be happening in my life, what type of man I'll be, how my career will be progressing a year from now, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, just so I could be cool and not have so much anxiety about it.The thing is, I want to be able to control the situation and know what I'm gonna do, how I'm gonna do it, when and where I'm gonna do it. I simply can't though, all I can do is choose the best options that he'll give me.

Zeus is gone...Where's Zachary Jamal?

Just one of those days man. I just wanna lay up and watch tv and chill and talk with my lady, man. At first when I used miss my ex at times I would would try to reject it like "Get out yo feelings nigga"...but now I'm just accepting it because of the fact is this a necessary part of getting over someone. 'Cause its like "Damn, as much as think about her, that girl aint worried about me! lol" I can feel myself going through different stages of feelings: going from sadness to anger to eventually apathy. It still hurts sometimes, not gonna lie. Sometimes I just wanna scream like "I FUCKING LOVE YOU, why don't you feel the same???" And then there are other times where I couldn't care less. Time eventually heals all wounds, but at 1st it felt like someone put salt in that hoe! lol

 Like I said before its getting better but I still have my days. It's an internal battle in my mind. One day its gonna get to the point where I don't care what happens. I just could've never even imagined this as little as 3 months ago. I feel bad about feeling this way, but when you invest some much time, emotion and effort into something and you just watch crumbling away into nothing and there's I can do about it it lingers. I not gonna bottle up my feelings 'cause that would make me go crazy like before but at the same time, I not gonna do anything stupid. Now, getting ready for my last semester at ASU is whats distracting me from it.

I'm just gonna chill and be single for a while, cause when I think  about it, for the last 3-4 years, I've never been truely single for more than a few months at a time. Its only been 4 females that I had been been involved with during that period but the time periods in with them all intermingled. Not saying that i was meesing 2 chicks at atime or anything but, I was going back and forth with these chicks. Of course my last ex was the main chick but during the periods in which we weren't together I wasn't gonna sit by and be lonely so I dated and talked to chicks. To this days, one of them wants to "be" with me, another would consider "being" and the 3rd, I haven't seen her in years. This is now "MY" time. A time time to focus on me, who I am as a man, what kind of man I will be, the futute of my relationship with God, etc...I don't know how long this time will last  'cause quite frankly nobody deserves what I have to give right now. I'll just continue to do my own thing 'til God sees fit to send someone that's REALLY down for me.

With all that being said, I need to focus on me. I had always been consumed with the idea of being "US" that I made certain sacrifices that I wouldn't normally make if I was single. Besides man I'm young, I'm only 22. I wanna see the world, travel, experience life, start my career, establish myself as a man that can stand on my own 2 feet, financially, spiritually, and emotionally. Plus I been maintaining my bible study, more out of necessity right now because I feel like that more than anything is keeping me sane. I'm still skeptical at times though, not about the bible or anything but because of the fact that I picked it up during tough times. I don't think my relationship with God will completely be on track until I can maintain it when times are good as well. I'm making progress though, more progress in 3 months than 22 years. For the longest I've always put up a barrier to it. Now don't get me wrong I'm still skeptical about people that preach at others constantley and use God in order to benifit their own motives. But my individual relatonship is whats making progress.

Yo I been on the workout tip hard lately *pause* I'm down to 250!!!! Do you know what means? I lost 20 pounds in the last 2 months. Puttin' in work!!! I dunked a basketball for the 1st time in like a year. I was so live, I started doin' cartwhells around the court. I already said that my goal is to have a 6-pack by graduation. that's my main focus 'cause I already got mucular arms, shoulders, chest and legs, but I 've always had a lil extra around the middle. Not a gut or anything but just a lil' extra. It's gonna hard because once you weigh anything over 240 it's damn near impossible, but with dedication I'll get it. I'm thinking maybe 240-235.

Proposal

This is a ill proposal bro! I damn near got teary eyed LMAO!!! The scene kinda reminded me of my fam, all the crawfish and everything too haha

Track of the Day

Corinne Bailey Rae is responsible for one of the greatest songs ever!

For a dark nigga...smh

So I was at the mall yesterday pricing shoes that I'm thinking about getting and out of a group of San Angelo chicks in the store, one rolled up on me
Local: "Oooo, what's yo name? I ain't neva seen you around Angelo before!"
Me: "Haha, nah my name is Zach and I been for like four years."
Local: "Oh ok, that's cool. Well I just wanted to let you know that me and my girls think that you fine for a dark nigga."
 
Now WTF kinda back-handed ass compliment is that?!? Shit like that irks me bro. Don't try to play like dark skinned people can't be attractive. When I was elementary school age I used to issues about my self-perception of being dark skinned because it always seemed like all the chicks like the yellow dudes with good hair. I finally got outta that when I came into my own physically and mentally but I have noticed that within the black community there is a preference for dating light skinned people over dark-skinned.

A quote caught my eye the personifies what some black people feel about dating dark skinned people. “I can remember with glowing clarity one of my brothers coming home from high school and noting how difficult it was to date dark-skinned girls. The guys at school joked about wanting only the light-bright-and-damn-near-white girls. If you're caught with somebody dark, he said, they'll trash you,” says Portia Williams in her Beyond the Pale; Why My 'Too-Black' Friends Want Light-Skinned Babies article posted in the Washington Post.

A study was published in 2006 in the Race, Gender and Class Journal, indicated that lighter complexions were considered more attractive among African-American communities. The results were taken from a sample of 100 students who indicated that 96 percent of men preferred a medium to light complexion in women, while 70 percent of women found light skin of value in men.



Not surprisingly, almost every person I spoke with told me of numerous painful experiences; in fact, many of them admitted their own desire to reproduce lighter children -- children who could easily assimilate in a white American society,” says journalist, Portia Boone.


Personally, I'm proud of being a dark-skinned black man and I have no preference in what shade my woman is. I've dated everything from super high yellow/creole to almost as dark as me. I know the chick didn't mean any harm by what she said but the ignorance of the statement just irked me. And that statement just proves that there still are perceptions of attractiveness based on color.

Phill Wade - Burger King Commericial

On the cool...If Burger King wanted to, they could really make this one of their commercials

Boobies & Bacon

Nothing like waking up to see a sexy chick in the kitchen cooking breakfast #SWAG

Track of the Day

The Corrine Bailey Rae sample makes this hoe so ill!!!

Switch That Up!

I've been thinking lately I gotta switch my style up. Not completely but there has some kind of change. I can feel my desires changing fashion-wise. I still like to be steezy with the exclusive fitteds and Tees and the freshests kicks, But I can't dress like that forever though! I want/need to get on my grown man ish.

And this personifies exactly the casual look I'm going for. This shit just oozes grown man swag. I know I have the confidence and and the body frame to pull look off. Even though I've always liked having the freshest sneakers,etc, It's nothing better than rocking fresh ass suit and tie. I'm so into fashion that this evolution was bound to happen through my maturity as a man. C'mon man I'm 22 now, getting ready to graduate from college and about to dive head first into the real world. My wants and needs are changing along with my appearence and how I carry myself. Cargo shorts and Tee shirts can't be forever.

I'll still be "steezy" more often than not but my fashion sense is growing up.  The thing is at like 30 being "steezy" will probably be the last thing on my mind, I'll be a "suave", cool, mature, and strong-willed man, with a career and probably a family running around the house. I'm not gonna lie, I'm excited the type of person I'm gonna be bro! I feel as though I'm coming into my own as a man. It's crazy when my mama told me that this would happen when I was younger but I never believed her.

And PS I'm nothing to play with in a tailored suit LOL!!!

Track of the Day

DOM KENNEDY - LOCALS ONLY from The Topshelf Company on Vimeo.

Even though its a few months old, I still find it to be one the most timeless videos I've ever seen

HAHA

LOL This always puts a smile on my face!

Financial Autonomy

This ^^^^^^^^ is what kept me broke for half the summer. That damn engagement ring cost $1,500 and that might not be much to the average person with a full-time job but to a struggiling college kid with a part-time job that shit is HELLA BREAD!!! That why I had to start on a damn payment plan for this hoe in March, the lowest they would let me pay was $125/ month...hell that by itself was killin' me lol. But I was tryna get it either by Oct 13 or graduation so I bit the bullet and started making payments on it. As soon as I seen all the butterflies I knew I had to get it. I was bullshittin', saying I had to save money to fix the car. Well I wasn't bullshittin' but the car thing wasn't an emergency like I said it was.

I'm not gonna lie, it helped when I got that money back a couple days ago though. Almost $400!!! I'm not about to go crazy and start buying clothes and shoes.....welllllll one pair of kicks won't hurt lol I'm just glad I'm not eating Ramen noodles and frozen pizza every night anymore...that shit sucked. I'm just eating healthy and I got some extra change in my pocket. I'll probably use it for the next time I go back home or on this Waco trip I got planned soon.

My Pillar

Lately it seems like only thing that has been keeping my sane is my bible bro! I swear, I feel so bad all day, and the only thing that makes me halfway decent is when I read my bible man. I really don't know what I would be doing right now, if it wasn't for that. This feeling is unlike any other I've ever had. I'm not saying I've never felt bad before, but at times it feels like its penetrating my thoughts and how I function and it's NOT going away. Like a huge cloud is hanging over me. I even went by the clinic and was diagnosed with mild depression....MILD DEPRESSION! I'd hate to find out what severe depression is like! They rtied to give me so medication, nah bro I'm not tryna be drugged up 24/7 or walking around like a zombie w/ no feelings. I try to cope with my feelings by being positive about who I am and how good of a situation that I'm blessed to be in, and while that's worked in the past and all that may be true, it's not working this time around. And the only thing that gives me any kind of relief is when I go through one of my lessons. I don't mean to come off like a habitual complainer but shit that just how I feel right now.It sucks to feel this way, 'cause I can't turn it off, if I could've I would've done it 2 months ago. I'm only lesson 6 or 7, but how I feel I might be on lesson 100 by tomorrow.

Pent-Up Energy

This no sex thing FUCKING SUCKS!!! lol... It's only been a month and I feel like I'm about to pull my hair out dread by dread. Man, I've been tryna work out as hard as possible to offset this but its not working. I'ma start taking some cold showers at night or something 'cause this is wack! 

Frank Ocean - Thinkin' 'Bout You- Newest Track

This just made my day!

Miguel- Quickie

I'm people are finally discovering good music. This song is 5 years old, and he's just now comin' out with a video for this!...tsk, tsk, tsk.

Dog Days of Summer

Man, I'll be honest, this has been one of the roughest summers I've been through. Not even physically, just mentally and emotionally. The breakup and the my grandpa passing took a lot outta me, I'm not gonna lie. Dealing with the combination was pretty tough, but its getting better. When you get to the pointt where you've picked picked an engagement ring, and started a payment plans,  and already planned out the proposal at graduation you don't just immediately get over that in a couple days. And I was at that point, had been making payments on it since April, that's why I was so broke at the beginning of the summer lol. Now had the break up happened after I finished all that, somebody would've had to call the laws lol. Realistically though, who meets their future spouse at 18? And it last forever? Nobody, that's who! lol I still have my days ,but they're coming less often. I'm just coping by staying busy. I've been burying myself in school, talking to my friends, working out, working, and even maintaining the bible study I've been trying lately. All of that makes it a lot easier to cope, its just a daily process though. I'm sure there will be some more times where I miss what I once had, but in the end you just gotta get over it.

What happened to me, happens to people all over the world every day. You just gotta pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep it moving. One day I'll be able to look back on this time in my life and realize that I was made a better man, person, father, husband and friend because of this. I say that because I've learned to appreciate what I have and no matter anybody says or what promises and plans are made, it can always be taken away. I don't know man, maybe if the two situations hadn't occurred around the same time maybe it would've been easier to cope with. I don't know, I'm just speculating right now. When I really look at the grand scheme of things, I really got it made, I've been blessed with no major worries. My situation is better than a majority of people right now; I'm a college-educated,  intrinsically-driven, goofy, athletic, articulate, smart man with a bright future ahead of me. It's plenty of people that would switch places with me right now. But, yeah man, like I said before, I'm just taking it day by day and slowly but surely its becoming less and less harder to deal with...

Grad School vs Achievement Through Promotion

Lately, I been kind of the fence about this whole grad school thing. As I've done an inventory of my requirements to do the job I eventually want to do  I possibly can achieve it without breaking my parents pockets and spending 2 more years in higher education.

Its SO many internships available, so many to the point that I'm questioning the usefulness of a master's degree. Its even a spot available at the Bob Bullock Museum in Austin which the exact place I wanna end up. The only thing is I would hav to work my way up the ladder, but I don't have a problem with that, I actually prefer that. I say that because if I work my way all the way to the top, I'll know the in's and out's about everything and be able to perform my job that much better.\

I still haven't pulled trigger on anything right now, just contemplating my options. In all honesty, I could be anywhere 6 months from now, Austin, Houston, Dallas, Maybe even D.C. with some luck, who knows. I'm just gonna keep weighing my options and definitely pull the trigger by September or October. Whatever museum with upward mobilty wants to hire an intelligent, witty, intrinsicly driven, goofy, articulate, 22 year old, 250 pound, black man with dreads and gauges is definitely the one for me.

Frank Ocean: Acura Integurl

Frank Ocean: Acura Integurl from Mike Kalinin on Vimeo.

Two 1st's of today

As odd as this I just realized I told my bro I love him for the first time yesterday after 7 years of knowing him. Of course it wasn't in a weird way, that just my bro. We've been through our own individual trials, from breakups, pregnancy, to fist fights gettin' kicked outta school, going to college together, playing football together (both all-state lol), but through it all we've remained friends and leaned on each other for support. This is my brother, the ONLY difference, is blood. Hell, we're even tight with each others mama's. I would go to war for this dude.

Now we've hit once the biggest thing we'll probably ever deal. He has a baby on the way in a couple months. Due to the fact I have no child and won't have one for a while, this will probably be the closest I have to one, or a niece at least. As soon as he told me it was a girl I thought, "Aw hell, we gotta buy some guns!" lol...When those little boys start coming around they are gonna be in for a surprise...I'm gonna my best to be the best uncle to Nahla Janice Lott as I can be and I hope he'll do the same for me when I have children.

Another 1st that I experienced today completely surprised me. I picked up a bible and actually studied. I've been going back to church lately but the fact remains is, I've NEVER cracked open a bible on my own. One reason for that is kinda had issues with the way my religion was brought to me when I was younger, but that's another story and also the King James Version was always a little wordy for me.

The way it happened was a total accident. I happened to be cleaning out the trunk of my car and came across a copy of "God's Game Plan", a bible for athletes, which was given to me by our team chaplain when I played football for ASU. It piqued my interest when I came across it because I had been thinking about so much negative stuff lately, that I thought I should try something different. I took it back to my apartment and started to thumb through it.

Now what makes this bible different is the fact that the language isn't so formal and it's geared toward an athlete's thinking. It comes with several different way of applying different verses to different issues and explaining why they apply. That's a plus for me because before I kinda felt like I was reading certain verses because the pastor told me to.

The first lesson was about self-image As a warm-up we had grade ourselves on our temperament and I've noticed I'm completely giving to the ones closest to me but ice to people I don't know. The actual verse of the lesson was Luke 18:9-14, which discusses a Pharisee and a Tax Collector, in a shortened version the Pharisee is this exalted man but prayed to God that was thankful for not being like other men, but the tax collector who, at the time was oft-compared to a robber or murderer, simply asked for forgiveness. Later, only the tax collector went home justified. The lesson in this was that for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself is exalted.

For the first time in a couple I actually felt ok. I wasn't thinking negatively or selfishly. I actually went to work with a clear mind. I was thinking, "Dang, why haven't I been doing this sooner? If I would've known I my temperament could changes that quickly after 1 lesson, what would happen if I really got into this?" I just simply took a baby step in reading the word. And some people may take this with a grain of salt, but in all honesty I really couldn't care less about other people's opinions as far as this is concerned, this is MY personal thing. It was cool though man, a really refreshing feeling. Once I make through all 210 lessons they have in this bible I'll get back to you on where I am with it lol...I'll just take, 1 lesson, 1 day at a time.

First I Park My Car

SWAG SWAG!!!

Lemme Smang It Giiiirl!!!

Smash it and Bang it! LMAO!

The Warriors

One of the greatest movies of all time. I still play the video game of this!!!

Donald Earl Bates AKA my twin

When you first passed I shut down from everything for like a month straight: school, family, my girlfriend, my friends. When I found out my then-girlfriend and I had just woken up and I just went on a routine facebook check in my phone and Whitney posted a status about it. I couldn't do anything but just sit there, I had no thoughts, no feelings, no words. I could'nt even tell my ex and she literally right next to me at the time. I couldn't do anything. At that moment I felt myself go on pause.

 To this day, I haven't really talked to anyone about it. I've wanted to but I had a lot of other stuff going on at the time and there was no physical person I felt comfortable with discussing it to and that kinda delayed the grieving process. I even tried to go by the damn clinic and set up on appointment to talk to someone but they gave me the run around.

 I even used to have nightmares about it, not really nightmares but dreams in which I just felt sad and terrible. But the thing is, it never really hit me that you were gone until the funeral because I had been at school for a good part of the time you had been sick. I never could've have imagined you not being there. I still have my rough days dealing with the fact that you're gone. That's just my own selfishness talking because I know you're in a better place and you're happy.

I'm slowly adjusting to it now, it's just a daily process. I know your physical presence isn't there anymore but your spirit is. I just hope that I can still make you proud.

Kendrick Lamar - "Tammy's Song"

Kendrick Lamar - Tammy's Song #Section80 (July 2) from TDE on Vimeo.

One of the realest people doin' it right now!

Liquor-Driven Fuckery

Boy this something I will not be messin' with for a while. After last night, I'm gonna cool it a little bit. I didn't get sick or have a nasty ass hangover, I just got REALLY deep in my feelings. But the thing is, I NEVER do that when I drink. Every other time, I just want dance and talk and I'ma happy person.

Not last night though, boy I got so damn emotional...nigga was talkin' 'bout I wanna my arms around you, and you're my rib, and a whole bunch of other stuff that leaked out. And wanted to laugh with her, dance with her, kiss her, touch her, even have sex and wake up to her face the next morning, basically stuff that a college age couple would do when they're both drunk at a party. I wasn't lying about anything I said because that's how I felt but I still would've wanted that info to go unsaid though. It felt like that old Boyz II Men song "End of The Road" was coming out of my mouth.

 Now as I was saying all of my, brain was trying its hardest to shut that shit up my mouth had other plans. He was like "Fuck you bro, I'm gonna say what I want". I was in that hoe talkin' all kinds of reckless. But like I said earlier, I'm gonna chill on the drinking for a while 'cause my family has a history of addiction anyway and I don't even wanna get close to something like that occuring...smh

Complete Autonomy and That Last Conversation

I'm finally in a good place with this blog. Once upon a time I used to post the link to this all over facebook, twitter and anywhere I could. Now after almost a year untouched, my blog has become a distant afterthought in the minds of my friends and family. I like it that way now, though. This blog has become my personal sanctuary in which I can completely vent my thoughts. I have complete control of this without having to worry about anybody saying something or feeling a certain way because nobody checks this thing anymore.

Now with that being said, I'm gonna talk about a conversation that I was a part of last night. I had a discussion with you last night and it bothered me...not the actual discussion itself but what transpired afterward. As soon as I heard the door close I heard instant laughter. At that point in time I've never felt more played in my life: not in a "Aw, she cheated" way, but in a "laughter at my expense" way. It felt like you put on a show so it could  look like I was so whipped over you. A flood of emotions immediately came over me: hurt, anger, embarassment. I really thought we were better than that.

Before that, I thought we were finally making progress into being cool with not being together but last moment tatinted my image of you a bit. And maybe I needed to feel like that in order to be completely break this off. Now with that being said, I don't hate you, I'm not bashing you I'm not gonna call you out of your name because of the simple fact that I love and respect you too much to even go there, but at the same time I'm realizing that I can now only love you from afar and I'm just simply acknowleging things that happened.

You might come across this and you might not, I dont know if you still even look at this thing anymore but with everything considered, when I think of you I want to think about to good times we had rather than the bad. I want my last memories to be positive; like the many nights spent in each others arms discussing our future together, the walks in the park, you laughing at my riculous singing impressions lol, your effort to get me to open myself to you, the way your face would light up when you saw me, randomly busting into the robot, your constant physical presence, having the ability to comfort you when something was wrong, or even the time we slow-danced in your room. I'd like that to be the images that flash through my mind rather than recent ones filled with uncertainty, angst and pain. In order to maintain this wonderful image of you and the love that we once shared we must let that last conversation be exactly what it was...our last conversation...because anything further would probably taint it for now.

Who knows what may happen down the line; we might be friends, or we might not. I would prefer that that would eventually happen again. Because you've been with me through thick and thin these last 4 years, from car tickets to my grandpa passing to my windows getting shot out, your grandpa passing, living on ramen noodles days at a time, a divorce. We've been pillars of strength for one another throughout college and I'll be honest, I'm gonna miss my pillar and I never wanted it to leave but there was a factor that came into the equation that halted that and that factor is literally changing the courses of our lives, outside of the what we had originally planned. We have no choice but to deal with that, and as much as bothered me in the beginning I'm ok with it now. I no longer have any anger, just a bit of hurt pride from yesterday but I'm good. I can honestly say that I'm good, that's almost a freeing experience to feel that way. I hope that you feel the same way too.  All this drama that has been going on as of late is done, I'm finally letting go...

Six Summer Fails (Don't Let This Be You!!!)

“After an extended winter we can finally trade in the boots and coats in lieu of lighter garments and brighter colors. But not so fast, as people begin to shed their layers in the warmer months, they oftentimes cast off their proper fashion sense as well. You know, that person that's in such of a rush to switch gears that they play themselves stylistically. We've all been victim or witness to it. Here's a cautionary list of summer fails to look out for and avoid. #ThankMeLater

UGLY FEET
This goes for men and women: If you know that your dogs are not up to par and you're nowhere near a beach, shower or pool, then keep your feet under wraps. Since guys are generally known for having bad feet, we tend to keep them covered, save for the sandal-clad few. Ladies, however, know that the summer is prime time for feet displays. Y'all know this and men know this, so there's no excuse for unveiling rough ashy heels that look like old chalkboards with a side of corns and chips for toes.  My advice to anyone who plans to show off their toes this summer is to make a pedicure appointment ASAP or at the very least throw on a fresh coat of paint and buff them heels. A good pumice stone is your friend.

ASHY ELBOWS/LEGS/HANDS
I'm not sure if other races go through this but people of color get ashy. We know this from an early age. While most women spend hours cocoa buttering their legs and arms my fellow men are not always so keen on the power of lotion. I'll admit that even yours truly has gotten caught out there with a patch of white between my thumb and index finger, but in my defense it's because I wash my hands a lot. But I tend to keep track of that and ask the nearest lady for some lotion to correct the oversight. Some dudes seem to just not care and not only have ashy hands but elbows and knees, too. As a general rule, fellas, if you're going to expose more skin you got to use more lotion.

SWEAT STAINS
We're human and in the summer months it's only right that we perspire a little but if you raise your arm and the material by your pit is two shades darker than the rest of your shirt #thatsabadlook. If you're wearing deodorant already buy a stronger brand because clearly it's not working. Personally, as an added antiperspirant measure I always wear a wifebeater underneath my T-shirts. People always ask, "Doesn't that make you hot?" Nope it keeps the back of my shirt from getting wet spots. SIDE NOTE: If your white tee or wifebeater is now off-white just toss it out already. #Thanx

SWEATER VESTS
#CmonSon it's summertime; why are you wearing a sweater in August? I don't care that it doesn't have sleeves, just looking at you is making my sweat sweat. And please for the love of all that's good in this world don't play yourself by rockin' a sweater vest with no shirt underneath. It doesn't matter if you have the arms for it (most time you don't) that look is not the move.

UNSHAVEN PITS
Ladies, I'm all for equal rights and all but shave your pits. Before someone calls me sexist even I do it to cut down on the aforementioned sweat stains. I'll tell y’all this there's nothing more unsettling than seeing a cutie in the summer wearing a spaghetti strap top only to have her raise her arm and you see she's got Buckwheat in a headlock. Man, the first time I seen that I damn near fell out. I'm all for natural women but fade them pits.

PANTY WASTE
 Maybe I'm in the minority of my male counterparts, but I don't want to see your Vickie's fighting to get out your jeans/shorts. This is actually a year-round phenomenon that borders on tacky. I understand the combination of low-cut jeans and short shirts make panty sightings more probable but show some tact and keep track of any unexpected back drafts—especially when sitting by a window. Oh, and while we're on the subject of undergarments, make sure when wearing white pants/skirts to check a mirror to ensure that the whole world can't see your Hello Kitty emblems through your see-through pants”

Fatherhood Aspirations

I came across this earlier today which was taken from a music video "Hold On" by Curren$y. This picture and scene in which it was taken from often make think of what type of father I'll be down the road. I could easily imagine this being a mirror image of my son and I whenever I do get married and have on. My ex-girlfriend and I would sometimes talk about having kids later on and images of running around with a mini-me in tow would pop up. By no means am I ready for a child, financially and mentally, but when I do have one I already know that my all will be put into raising my children just as my daddy does for me. Even though I might be 22 I still lean on my daddy for fatherly advice and whatever else pops up. He's always been there for me and set an example on how to lead a family, and how to love and treat a wife and child, I hope to one day be able to follow his example even as half as well as he has.

SMH

Lately I have been exhausted by women my age, not even one specific person but as a whole, from girlfriends to homegirls to associates. This has me contemplating leaving women alone for a while no homo lol....But seriuosly though, besides my family members I have seen nothing deceit, indecisiveness, conniving, and just blatant disrespect from womenfolk...By no means am I making a sweeping generalization about all women because I know that they're not all bad but from personal experience they are few and far between. It's not even anger that's fueling this rant, just an exhausted dissappointment. I've always been taught to love, cherish, and respect women especially black women, but that has never been reciprocated. I don't even have the energy to go into details.

 Maybe I'm just too giving of myself which leaves me open to feelings like this. As a man, I sometimes find myself embarassed for feeling so deeply about things. I might give off a hard exterior but inside I'm a big ass teddy bear. In the end though, I've learned that its just God,my family, and my bros...they're the only one's who have been in my corner unconditionally. I'll be back on my feet soon enough, but at this moment in time I'm just in my feelings and I need some way to express because there no one to have a back and forth conversation with right now.